#14 Underestimated and unappreciated.

Hi, depression's talking right now. I'm just so sad and pathetic. Sigh, its been only two days since I started my new year resolutions which one of em is to actually feel better about myself and I'm totally failing. I don't know what to say....

My family has been known as the kind of family that values good education, self-discipline and great self- achievement. Unfortunately, I think I'm the dumbest in my family. So, I have to really work hard to achieve something, like really hard. Whilst my other siblings seems to be enjoying their works and studies pretty well, I'm struggling to even achieve something that would make my parents feel proud of me. I've never really showed them any astonishing achievements since my primary and secondary levels. I'm nothing like my lil brother who got straight A's for his pmr last year, or my big brother who got 11 A's for his spm in 2009. So yeah, I pretty much have nothing to be proud of.

Plus, my twin is so much better than me. She's prettier, smarter and she has all the attention from people around her, kinda. I'm so jealous of her, always have been. But she's the nicest, I think. Whenever I'm feeling down cause others would always make fun of me, she's there for me. And I thank her for that. We often treat each other badly, surely. But it doesn't change the fact that she's my big sister and she has always been there helping me to get up whenever I'm falling and guiding me whenever I'm lost. I know, I always make her angry with my actions and words and I've never really told her that I love her, but really, she's part of my world. She listens to my problems, secrets I've never told anyone and she helps me whenever I'm having allergic attacks.

To be honest, it hurts my self-esteem to see how she can achieve things so easily, learn things so fast. It's like I'm the black sheep of the family. But that's okay cause she deserves it. I just think that a lil bit of support and appreciation from my family won't hurt. Don't get me wrong though. My parents has always been there for me. Aku cuma harapkan kata semangat je dari adik beradik yang lain. Takde kata semangat, diamkan diri pun cukup sebenarnya, asalkan takde kata-kata yang buat aku rasa rendah diri bila bercakap dengan diorang. sigh. What to do? I lack so many things compared to my sister. Takpelah, how can people love you if you don't even love yourself kan? Keep calm and be strong. Allah is always here for me.